If Dating Was Like Online Shopping: Add to Cart, Out of Stock, No Refunds

Dating today is less about “finding your soulmate” and more about scrolling through options like you’re on Amazon at midnight, half-asleep, and buying things you’ll regret in the morning. Think about it. Swiping on apps feels exactly like online shopping. You don’t always know what you’re getting, the pictures don’t always match the reality, and the return policy is terrible.

Let’s take a walk through the catalog of modern dating and see just how much it feels like filling an online cart.

Add to Cart: The Excitement of a Swipe

When you swipe right, it’s like hitting “Add to Cart.” You don’t know if you’ll actually check out. You just like having the option. The person looks cute, their dog is adorable, and they seem like they’ve got their life together. Just like that toaster you added to your cart three months ago, you’re not committed, but it feels good to pretend you are.

And let’s be real. Half the stuff in our carts never makes it to checkout. Same goes for matches. It’s the fantasy that’s fun, not the actual purchase.

Out of Stock: When They Vanish

You finally decide to send a message, and guess what? Their profile has disappeared. Gone. Like the last roll of toilet paper during a pandemic.

This is the dating version of “Sorry, this product is currently out of stock.” Translation: they deleted the app, they found someone else, or they decided to “take time to work on themselves.” Which is just a polite way of saying “Check back in six months when I’m emotionally unstable again.”

The Wishlist: People You’ll Never Talk To

We all have one. That person we keep checking on, maybe even creeping on Instagram, but we never actually message. They’re basically your dating wishlist. You keep them there, safe and untouchable, like that $400 air fryer you swear you’ll buy when you finally become a responsible adult.

Spoiler alert. You will never buy the air fryer. And you will never message that person. But hey, dreaming costs nothing.

Flash Sales: The Hot Match

Every once in a while, the universe blesses you. Someone way out of your league swipes right. For five glorious minutes, you feel like you’ve won the lottery. This is your flash sale moment.

The problem is, now the panic sets in. Do you message immediately? Do you wait a few hours so you don’t look desperate? Do you pretend you didn’t almost pass out when you saw the notification? It’s like trying to buy concert tickets when they sell out in thirty seconds. Blink, and it’s gone.

And let’s be honest. Half the time, they ghost you anyway. But for those five minutes, you felt like the main character in a rom-com… before the plot twist hits.

Free Shipping Versus Delivery Fees

Long-distance relationships are basically shipping fees. You can get the same thing locally, but no, you had to go fall for someone three time zones away. Now you’re paying extra in effort, money, and emotional toll just to make it work.

And don’t even get me started on the delivery estimates. “We’ll see each other soon” really means “Your package will arrive in two to three business years.”

The Return Policy

Imagine if dating came with a real return policy. You could just send someone back with a little note attached.

“Did not match description.”
 “Arrived broken.”
 “Looked better in the photos.”

But no, dating comes with the worst return system ever. Instead, you get ghosting, awkward breakups, and 2 a.m. texts from your ex that feel like the emotional version of a restocking fee. Some people don’t even let you return them at all. They just block you like shady sellers.

Product Reviews

You know how you check reviews before buying something? In dating, the reviews are your mutual friends. They are the Yelp of your love life.

“Five stars. Great kisser. Would recommend.”
 “Three stars. Started strong but came with too much baggage.”
 “One star. Did not show up. Probably still lives with his mom.”

The problem is, just like Yelp, reviews can be biased. Sometimes someone leaves a one-star review because you upgraded to a better model.

Surprise Packages

Blind dates are like ordering a mystery box. You don’t know what’s inside. You just hope it’s something good. But let’s be honest. Most of the time you get socks, a weird gadget you don’t need, or something that doesn’t fit.

On rare occasions, though, you get lucky. The date actually looks like their photos. That’s like ordering a $10 mystery box and finding AirPods inside. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does, you tell everyone.

The Endless Scroll

Here’s the biggest problem. There are too many options. Just like online shopping, dating apps give you the illusion that there’s always something better if you just keep scrolling. And so you keep swiping, waiting for the perfect person who checks every single box.

Newsflash. The perfect product does not exist. You either end up with decision fatigue or you miss out on something good because you were holding out for something better.

The Real Lesson in the Cart

Here’s the truth hiding underneath all the jokes. Dating feels like online shopping because we’ve started treating people like products. We swipe left and right like they’re sneakers. We add them to cart, abandon them, or ghost them like they’re nothing more than an impulse buy.

But love is not Amazon Prime. You can’t get it in two days with free shipping. Real relationships are messy, inconvenient, and sometimes disappointing. And yet, they’re also the only thing worth keeping.

Maybe the key is to stop treating dating like online shopping and more like a farmer’s market. It’s not polished, it’s not perfectly packaged, but it’s real. You don’t get a million choices, but the choices you do have are authentic. And sometimes, the thing that doesn’t look shiny at first ends up being exactly what you needed.

Checkout Complete

Yes, dating is ridiculous. It’s full of ghosting, bad bios, and people who say “I’m not looking for anything serious” while texting you at midnight. But it’s also full of potential.

So the next time you’re swiping like you’re browsing a clearance rack, remember this. Not every person belongs in your cart. Not every match deserves checkout. And not every return needs to be processed.

One day, you’ll find the one item that actually fits, works as described, and doesn’t need to be returned. And when that happens, you’ll finally click “Buy Now.”

Also Read: The Pros and Cons of Online Dating: Is it Right for You?

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